What is Wrought by Diet Coke
by CloodSama
Summary: Sequel to 'What Begins with Diet Coke' The Otokage's life already thoroughly invaded and trashed, the three girls set their sights on the rest of the Narutoverse. But we love them really.
1. The Epic Saga continued: Cows

**WHAT IS WROUGHT BAH DIET COKE!**

**Yeah, we blame the coke for all occurrences in this fiction.**

**If Kishimoto wants to sue someone for abuse, sue the god damn Diet Coke makers. Yeah.**

**Disclaimer : We'd like to own Naruto, coz we'd be rich and in it. Sadly, we don't own it. Don't. sue. Jesus.**

**8D BEGIIIIIN (Oh, if you lot are here, not having read the prequel, I suggest you go do that now. Else, this will make **_**no sense at all**_**. Not that it does anyway. Issa called 'What Begins With Diet Coke', and issa on mah profile. GO READ, LIKE, NOW!)

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"It's good to be back, dattebayo!"

No surprise as to who was back then.

"Naruto!" Cried Tilly and Sakura simultaneously, as they rushed forward to shake the pole on which he was standing in a silent competition to see who could topple him off first.

The blonde boy peered down, a grin lighting his face. "Sakura-chan! … Tilly-girl!" Thus, he leaped down, standing in front of the two kunoichi. "You two look…"

Sakura punched the air. "OLDER!"

Tilly did the same. "Bigger busted!"

"Um, more mature…?" Naruto supposed, a slight sigh escaping his lips. Some things never changed. Ever.

"You seem to have changed quite a bit, eh Naruto? What you been up to on your travels…?" Tilly smirked, giving Naruto a suggestive elbow in the chest.

"Um… Sensei said not to tell."

Tilly's eyes widened. "Oh my god. He really did teach you how to masturbate! Ha! Lee owes me money!"

Sakura looked at Tilly, furtive. "What did Lee bet, then…?"

"That he did not possess the equipment to masturbate."

Naruto glared at the brown haired short girl. "I… really can't believe you're 16. Seriously. You look more like a … well, … I don't know, but you're short!"

Tilly glared back. "So are you, shorty. Gennin. Shorter than me gennin. HA! You're a gennin!" She then proceeded to dance around Naruto, poking him as she did so. "Guess what rank I am?"

"And guess what rank I am!" Sakura added sweetly.

"Both of you, still gennin, right?" Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Just like me, right?"

Sakura giggled. "Hee, I'm a chuunin!"

Tilly cackled, a horrific smile crossing her face. "And I'm a jounin! Oh yeah!" Then, incidentally, she hugged Naruto from happiness. "But, I'm sure that you'll grow up soon too, Naruto."

Naruto's face instantly fell. "So, no kages among us, then?" He muttered in a drawl. "Or… ANBU?"

"Oh, well, Neji is also jounin, and Gaara became Kazekage, incidently."

Naruto blinked. "Oh. Good for him." He was feeling significantly out-classed.

"I do believe that that's Kotetsu on the way with an important summons for us. Over heeere!"

Right on cue, Kotetsu nodded and began to speak. "I have an important summons for you three. Proceed to Hokage Tower!" They could have sworn they heard evil, epic-sounding music in the background as 'Hokage Tower' was mentioned.

"Is that evil background music?" Naruto asked. "Things sure have changed… They got us a village soundtrack…"

"No, that's just your imagination. Come, to Hokage Tower!" Sakura proclaimed.

At that moment, Jiraiya cleared his throat, standing behind the three children, looking thoroughly ignored. "Say, Tilly…" The Frog Dude started.

"Yes, Jiraiya? Is… there… a new…" Tilly's breath hitched. "Icha… Icha?"

"I'm glad you asked." He smirked, and from out of his robes, he procured four books. Four girls on the front. "Behold! Tilly-girl!" He cried (which was accompanied by a cry of "Stop calling me that!") "I have made one for each of your friends, you friends and you are the main characters! Icha Icha Tactics, your version, Icha Icha Hotel, Ro-chan's version, Icha Icha Traitor, the Nat-child's version, and my favourite, Icha Icha Staying-with-an-Evil-Guy! Who else, but Clood's?"

Tilly's jaw dropped. "You… henged into each one of us, just so you could take the cover photos…?!"

Jiraiya nodded. "Most certainly." His face developed an evil sneer. "And I just can't wait until Orochimaru discovers his favourite student on the cover of a porn book! And in it! Nor the feeling of angst Akatsuki shall feel when they find one of their members featuring in an erotic story!"

"You only made… one copy of those, right? Coz, I mean, they might kill you…" Tilly stated. Then, suddenly, it hit her. "Wait, I'm in … one. … In anime, Kakashi receives present… Icha Icha Tactics. Mine. Kakashi receives porn book about me."

Jiraiya paused. "How did you know about Naruto's present for Kakashi?" Before he received the answer he wanted, Tilly began to jump up and down, ignoring him completely.

"YAY! Kakashi-sensei's gonna read a pr0n story about me!"

Naruto blushed feverently. "Let's… just go to Hokage Tower. Now."

Sakura returned to earth from her state of perpetual horror. "Yeah, um, let's go see shishou."

"OFF TO SAKE MASTER!" Needless to say, that was Tilly's addition. Not Jirayia's. Jiraiya was thinking pervy thoughts.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Three figures darted through the trees, swiftly, motioning to each other. Words were not necessary. They knew their mission. Noiselessly, they touched down up on the ground, panting slightly, surveying the field in front of them. The field of cows.

A dark, smooth, highly masculine voice muttered to himself, half to his team mates. "They'll catch up to us at this rate…"

Another manly voice replied. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Shut it, menslaves." Came a feminine voice.

"…Well, any bright ideas, _ma'am?_" Came the first voice, sarcasm infiltrating its very crevices of tone.

"Ah, I have one."

"Do tell, dear." The second manly voice stated.

"We're in a field of cows. We've been ordered specifically not to kill anyone. We have next to no chakra. Going on at this pace, they'll catch up to us. We have the scroll. We're in a field of cows. You know."

The men doubted. "No, not really."

"What can we do?"

"Menslaves, there is but one thing we _can _do!" There was a slight pause. "Transform into cows!"

"Pardon?"

"What?"

"…You heard me, menslaves, transform into _cows! _Hide! They won't be able to tell the difference!"

"Clood, this is…"

"What, Sasuke, aside from a great idea?"

"Utterly ridiculous. I'm not disguising myself as a cow. Just, no. Back me up, Nagi."

"No, I rather like the idea, now that I think about it."

There was a slight debate, as the tree team mates shuffled amongst themselves, hitting each other, poking each other and eventually, there were three poofs of smoke, and in the place of the three Sound ninjas, stood cows.

When the enemy ninjas came, well, they didn't have the imagination to suppose their targets had degraded themselves to the point where they changed their images to cows. They went straight past the field. They didn't even notice the scroll in the feminine looking cow's mouth.

Some while after they had passed, the three continued to stand there, keeping up the guise of cows. Clood, her mouth tired, handed the scroll to a cow, one sarcastic looking enough to be Sasuke. Save, it wasn't Sasuke.

Nor was it Nagi.

"NO, CLOOD THAT'S A REAL COW!" Nagi declared, changing back to his human form. Sasuke did the same, horror flashing in his eyes, that same horror changing to despair as the foreign cow ate the scroll. The scroll containing many advanced, A-rank jutsus. The scroll which was most definitely one of a kind.

Clood also transformed back, desolation in her eyes, as she watched the scroll of evil being digested by a cow. "NO, BAD FAT ANIMAL! Give it back! NO! I'll dissect you! Drop, boy, drop!" She motioned frantically at the animal, hitting it sharply on the head, only to find her hand in it's mouth.

Nagi and Sasuke exchanged glances, 'we're fucked' vibes emanating out of the both of them. They continued to exchange more of such looks, each one getting more and more desperate, all the while Clood struggled with the cow in the background, her hand lodged in it's mouth.

"'Toopid animal!" She turned back to her team mates, both standing still, eyeing her situation with looks of amusement, and fear. Fear for what Orochimaru would say if they managed to fail this mission.

"… I know what you're thinking, guys, 'this would never have happened if you hadn't made us transform into stupid cows', but, it's your fault for entertaining and going along with my stupid ideas! Your fault, Sasuke, for transforming into a double of an already existing cow, and not staying close to me, and yours, too, Nagi, for just being there!" She glared at both the men. "Now, get this freakin' cow off my hand, or you will face the full extent of my wrath, anger, and vengeance!" Murderous intent began leaking out.

Then, the cow let go, and ran away from Clood as fast as it could, fearing for it's safety.

"Okay, now, I reassign your orders to catching that thing, and… well, catching it!"

Sasuke raised his hand. "Now, you see, I'm the mission leader here…"

"And you're my manslave."

"Where did that come from, anyway?"

"… The internet?"

"The… what now?"

"Never mind, GET THAT COW, WHORES!"

A few hours later, the three off them stormed back into the Hidden Village of Sound, Nagi carrying a dead cow on his back, Sasuke and Clood covered in mud, and the three of them very, very wet. Just before they presented themselves to their sensei, they dissected a cow to recover their target scroll, which was covered in stomach juices, and partially digested grass.

"It's… sticky," observed Nagi.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"KAKASHI-SENSEIII!" Tilly jumped out the window upon her entrance to the Hokage's office, launching herself upon poor Kakashi, who was simply relaxing in the sun on a roof rather near the Hokage Tower.

Tsunade blinked. "How did she know he was out there…?"

"Spider senses, shishou." Sakura replied with a grin. "Tilly can find Kakashi-sensei a mile off!"

The Hokage just nodded and continued to blink, before noticing Naruto. "Oh, hi."

"Tsunade! HI!" Naruto replied, waving his arms.

"Don't you 'hi' me, kid." She turned to Jiraiya. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Don't you 'hi' me, old man!"

"Well, technically, you're olde--"

"Don't say another word." Tsunade's eye twitched ever so slightly.

Naruto pointed at her. "You eye twitch! Like… an eye twitcher!"

By this point, Tilly had dragged Kakashi back inside. "Naruto, Naruto, give him your present!" She cried, jumping up and down, highly excited by the whole affair.

"For sure! Sensei, as my welcoming myself back present to you, I present…" Naruto rifled around in his pockets, pulling out some inconspicuous objects out, before finally reaching his goal. He grinned, and out of his pockets, he procured a shining copy of Icha Icha Tactics, and presented it to Kakashi, his drooling teacher.

"Oh, god, Naruto, this is…"

"Beautiful?"

"I… I…" Slowly, Kakashi flipped open the cover of the book, heavenly light spilling on to his face from inside the book. You could almost hear a chorus of 'hallelujah's in the background, tears began to well up in his visible eye. "Oh, Naruto, this is… So… Hold on, that girl, is that--" However, he was interrupted by both Tilly and Naruto's nervous giggles.

"We'll talk about that later, eh, sensei? Uhm, … you've got something to say, Tsunade-sama, right?" All eyes shifted to Tsunade, who was creeping over to her sake cabinet.

"Oh, right, yeah. You, fight…" She made vague hand motions at Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura and Tilly. "Train… Reform… Leave me ... Jiraiya… Go… Away… Espionage…" More motions. "Sake." She finished, opening up her cabinet, and producing the biggest looking bottle of sake she possessed.

"Yippee!"

"Yay!"

"Huzzahs of the highest level."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Orochimaru surveyed his three prodigies, in the way he had to nearly every time they came back from a mission: he surveyed them like they were bad, bad, children, who had stolen cookies out of a cookie jar. "So, kids, care to explain just why you're muddy, carrying a ruined, one of a kind scroll, and why there is a dead cow in my office."

Words could not describe the turmoil in CLOOD'S 'LOLOLOLOL'ING, or, that was in her mind, but really she was … terrified.

"Um, well… Y'see…"

"Go on."

Clood looked to both her team mates, rather hoping to find inspiration. However, both of them were whistling off to the side.

"Sasuke's the team leader. He should explain."

"Yes, I guess he should."

"OH, goddammit." Sasuke glared at the floor, making threatening motions at Nagi and Clood, as if to say 'be prepared for pain in an hour or so'.

"Clood, Nagi, you're dismissed, go sulk in your rooms. Without any dinner. And stop laughing, Clood."

"I'm sorry, but everything around me is funny."

Nagi nodded. "Indeed." He spoke that in a very deep, sexy tone, much like that of Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts 2. Y'know, that one cutscene where he says 'indeed', and we're all obsessed with it, we being Clood and I, and it's like… 'INDEED', but, but he's so calm and cool, and … and, um, awesome and secksay, and, um, back to Naruto.

"If it's that amusing, you can both stay and help Sasuke out."

The Uchiha boy had to restrain himself from snorting in amusement.

"Well, sensei, at least it means I can be near you for a few more sweet minutes!"

"Go to your room, Nagi!"

"Aw… but I like you…"

"Stop touching me!"

And of course, the last few lines were played in Clood's head. Really, Nagi was just _looking _like he was about to molest Orochimaru. He probably would have, had Sasuke not done it first. Verbally.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A silhouette sat itself upon a chair, and began to smirk. This smirk developed into a quiet chuckle, before transfiguring into a full blown cackle, reverberating throughout the halls of the Kazekage's building.

Kankurou burst through the door, startled, staring at the back of Gaara's chair. "Gaara, what's wrong?"

A frightening, dark, voice replied from behind the chair. "Gaara's not here right now… Neither are you…" The cackle started again, this time, Kankurou did not react, he knew precisely who it's owner was.

"Hi, Ro."

"Took you long enough." Ro swung around on her chair, and met Kankurou's gaze with glinting eyes.

"What did you do with Gaara?" Kankurou approached the desk Ro sat behind. When Ro did not reply, he slammed his fist down upon the table. "Look, Ro, I don't have time for this, where the hell is Gaara?"

"If you want to ask him for incest, I'll tell you."

"… No, dear, I wanted to ask him what he did with my eye liner."

"He's up on the roof threatening Deidara. Deidara's from the Akatsuki." Ro caught the look of doubt and annoyance in the puppet man's eyes. "Really. He's come to kill you all."

"What!?"

Ro's eyes sparkled. "We're all going to die!" She proclaimed, her voice melodious and carefree. "Oh, and, be a bit careful walking through the village entrance slash exit, you know, just because."

Kankurou rolled his eyes, before running out, needing to see for himself whether what Ro said really was true or not. He was used to her 'white lies', yet, somehow, this seemed more real. This was verified when a few explosions shook the building from outside. Kankurou ran through the building, his eyes doing the whole 'full of intent thing', before he heard Ro's amused squeals. He stopped for a moment, shuddered, then continued running.

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oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo – **_Optional_ Alex section, skip if you want to continue to live in your head. Written by Clood and Tilly.**

"Kampai!" Alex cheerily screamed, knocking glasses with Genma.

"Kampai, pretty lady!"

Alex giggled, and swigged her ninja vodka, which is kind of a misnomer, considering that she's a 'fantastical samurai'. She sighed as she swigged the alcohol, and began to tell her 'life story' to Genma.

"Well, y'see, my life story…"

"Ah… a-ah didn't askeh 'bout it…" Genma muttered, swaying slightly.

"MAH LIFE STORY!"

"Ah… ahkay…"

"Wahll, it was a nice summery day, when I fell into ah compooter screen… And I woke up, like, in a place with… this… ninja, and he was like RAWR, and I was like… I R SAMURAI! So, so… I ran 'way, and he not follow, coz he was already dead. Then, I lived doing stuff, stalkin' Rockeh Leeee, and making peoplez clothehs for living."

Genma nodded, thoroughly taken in by Alex's emotional tale.

"Then, were like… so many people ninjas, and I were like… OHMAGOD lots of ninjas, so I became a cool samurai and tried to beat their heads in with sticks, and… I didn't, coz, they were like 'BACK TO SOUNDEH PLACE', soh, then I had more drinks here, with Deidara-man."

Genma nodded again, utterly captivated by the immense depth and description riddled throughout Alex's well thought out wording.

"THEN! I woke up with bad hangover, and found myself making more clothes for living. Then, I spent long time do this, yes?" She paused, her eyes saddening. "Alex is not know what happen to Alex friends. They were such tasty morsels…"

Genma snorted. "Ho, Alex friend are Clood, yes? Clood is… this badass traitor, and has been for like… So many years. Like, three. She big time Leaf-enemy."

Alex sobbed. "NO! HOW! HOW COULD SHE?!"

"And, and, Tilly friend girl, she still here. He – uh…she…he…she big time ninja cool person!" Genma declared, striking a pose.

Alex was overjoyed. "I SHALL VISIT HER!" She stood up, and sat down again. "But, first, moar alcohol!"

Genma nodded. "To victory!"

The two of them drunk away the rest of the night.

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**Ehmagod.**

**_FIRSTAY CHAPPYTER._**

**You guys wanted to know what happened to Alex, right? Well, here you go. She became a seamstress, and lived out her sad, sad existence, tailor fitting jounin vests. Mostly for Genma, who typically rips his off in fits of passion.**

**As for Oro being a bit… Out of character, take it as the Clood effect.**

**First, you hate it, second, you begin to act like her (all but a little), finally, you get so fed up with it, you just go back to being your normal self.**

**So, read more stuff in a little while, the next chapter containing Deidara, Gaara, a lil bit of Sasori, absolutely no Alex, Team 13 getting tortured by their cruel, inhumane teacher, and Kakashi reading extracts of the four, new, Icha Icha books. (But **_**mainly**_** Icha Icha Tactics! Cos it's canon an' stuff! – Tilly)**

**Now, if that doesn't make you want to come back next chapter, I don't know what will.**

**Oh, um, nekked Sasuke!**

… **Well, depends on how feel, yes? Moar reviews, more possibilities of nekked Sasuke.**

**Bai, poutou 8D**


	2. POWERADE: THE DRINK OF SASUKE

**You came back for nekked Sasuke, yes?**

… **Cept for males, we don't know what they came back for. Pr0n reading, perhaps…?**

**NOW, COMMENCER CHAPPEHTOOOOOR!

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**

Two Akatsuki waited outside the gates to Suna, eyes fixed on the floor.

"Deidara… He'll take a long time."

"You know him well, I suppose, Nat.." Sasori replied.

"I am his student, am I not?" Nat's eyes remained fixed on the floor, her lips fixed in a downward curve.

Sasori chuckled. "You're just like my old partner. Sarcastic, dry…"

Nat's eyes whipped up to meet Sasori's puppet-eyes. "Don't compare me to him."

"I don't think he'd be too happy with my analogy, either." There was a pause.

"Did you enjoy his company, then, Sasori-san?"

"You could say that. He was… a well liked member."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Don't we all."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ro's eyes glinted as she looked up at Deidara, circling around Gaara in the skies, she let out another cackle, but then stopped. "Wait… who do I support? Aw, shit."

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Clood sighed, and reclined upon her sofa in _her _living room. Yes, she'd gotten herself a house. Sasuke did the same on the other sofa, opposite. They had made a mutual pact that they would never sit on the same sofa, regardless. Nor would they sit next to each other at dinner, nor would they be alone in a room together. However, they were in the process of breaking the last one.

"So… Life, eh?"

"… Yeah, um, why did you take me back to _your _house?"

Clood giggled, much alarming Sasuke. She then stopped, and sent him a very serious look. "No. _Why_ would I want to molest you? If I wanted to molest someone, I'd have hung around with sensei after he finished verbally assaulting us. I actually wanted to talk to you about something serious."

Sasuke blinked. Clood being serious about something was somewhat of a rarity. "What?"

"Condoms."

Sasuke sighed. "I thought it would be something like that."

Clood made herself comfortable, Sasuke did the same, having the feeling they'd be there for a while, talking about a fairly uncomfortable subject."… No, don't worry, I don't want to ask you about condoms, I actually wanted to talk to you about the Akatsuki. And your brother, really." Clood smirked at her team mate, interested in what she had to say for the first time since… well, ever, really.

"What about them?"

"Your brother's hot."

"… Very funny." Glares were exchanged.

"No, seriously, _we all think he's hot. _Except for Nat. Okay, we 'all' technically means three, but… Still he's hot. Hotter than you. That point aside, as I'm sure you're aware, one of my friends is with the Akatsuki…" Dramatic doom music should have been playing at this point, but Clood had successfully broken her stereo in a fit of rage, throwing it at Kabuto. "And, I know where they're going to be. Like… now. In fact, I'm certain I know where your brother is, not in real body, but I know where he is."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "How?"

"Hard to explain. Anyway, it won't be his real body, but there's a chance we can trace that back to the real Itachi. Even if you don't want to do that, you'll still have the chance to fight him at 30 power, so, good measure, really. Plus, I'll get the chance to go after my friend. Savvy?"

"Um… Savvy." Sasuke took on a very dark expression. "Power… Mine…Finally, do I have enough power?" He continued muttering like this, under Clood's watchful, and slightly concerned-for-his-sanity eye.

"Want a drink?"

"…Power…"

"Sasuke, drink?"

"… Hm? Yeah. Drink."

And thus, the two of them proceeded to Clood's kitchen, the Uchiha surveying Clood's rather dark, gothic architecture and furniture, his musings were interrupted rather rudely by Nagi breaking down the front door, saying something or rather.

"And then sensei was like 'Nagi, you honestly need to gain a sense of responsibility as a current elite of Sound', and I was like 'yeah, whatever', and he was all glare and 'get Clood, I'm almost certain she's plotting something' and I was like 'Woah, you have Clood senses!' and he was all 'go away and leave me to my sake', and then I was like 'WHEE!' And I ran off to find you two."

There was a silence as Clood and Sasuke attempted to translate that last outburst from their team mate. After a little bit of thinking, Sasuke broke the silence. "So, you want us to come with you, then?"

"Something like that."

"I've got to admit that I'm slightly concerned by his 'Clood senses', though…" The one, out numbered female muttered. "I mean, how does one even get Clood senses?"

Sasuke took it upon himself to reply. "It might have been your unusually pensive expression when leaving his room. That's often an indication that you're up to absolutely no good whatsoever, and will normally end in pain."

Nagi nodded. "He might also have slipped something into your food."

"I wouldn't put that past him, either."

"So, back to sensei?" Nagi asked.

Clood sighed. "Can we stop off at a club first?"

"I doubt they'd let Nagi in. He's rather short."

"I am _not _short!" Nagi replied, in an angry tone, looking up at both Clood and Sasuke, them having both reached the same height.

"Dude, you're like a hobbit. You're tiny. You're probably shorter than Nat!"

"I am _not _shorter than Nat! And I… don't know what a hobbit is, but I'm not like one."

Sasuke didn't know what a hobbit was, either. "… Of course you're not like a … hobbit, they're very tall and…"

"Macho." Clood finished with a nod, having caught on to the whole 'make hobbits seem cooler than they are' scene.

Nagi paused. "So I _am _like a hobbit!"

"No, deary, you're not. You may have a frighteningly pretty face, but you're not macho per say. In fact, much as I hade to admit it, Sasuke is more 'macho' than you, and he just shouldn't be praised for anything."

Sasuke nodded. "Yeah." He paused. "Wait…"

"To sensei!" Clood replied quickly, before Sasuke could work out the implications of everything.

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Gaara was kidnapped. There was much panic. And splosion. Many desert cats ran in fright.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

65r76rt6gndrrrjhfh.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo End Tilly's bit.

NOOOOOOOOOOO

Ahem

With the newly reformed Team Kakashi's first mission read out, a wail resounded throughout the Hokage building. Several wails.

"I'm a jounin!" Tilly shrieked, clutching Shizune's clothes in her anger.

"I should be a jounin!" Naruto accompanied, clutching his hair in lack of things to clutch.

"Uhm, now now guys, just calm down and accept the mission…" Kakashi trailed off, rubbing the back of his head.

"Quiet you!" Tilly turned her head around almost 180 degrees, with crackles in the background, "You just wanna read your porn book all about m-"

"That's enough." Tsunade interjected, looking furtive. "You will do this mission, and you will do it good."

Naruto and Tilly sobbed in unison. "But I don't wanna…"

"Tough! GO MISSION! NOW!"

"How much money do we get?" Naruto asked, suspicious.

"Enough for three ramen bowls."

"ALRIGHT, LET'S GO MISSION! NOW!" Naruto declared, running out of the room, highly excited.

Then, a woman ran into the room, screaming in horror. "Hokage-sama. Hokage-sama. OHMYGOD. Sand blew up!" She thrust a piece of paper upon Tsunade, who read it over, paused, turned the paper over so that it was the right way up, read it over again, and gasped.

"The Akatsuki killed Gaara!"

"Those bastards! Wait, isn't that wrong?" Tilly cried, rather surprised.

"Oh, no, wait, they only kidnapped him. Great, so, what's the panic?"

The messenger blinked. "The Kazekage was kidnapped. You know… kidnapped. Gone. Bad for us."

Tsunade blinked back. "But, why?"

The messenger blinked again. "Because of him." She pointed to Naruto, who was kneeling on the floor, arms raised to the sky.

"Uzumaki Naruto will have his REVENGE! Upon those who caused Gaara his suffering! They shall know the pain of a thousand deaths before I am through with them, and then they shall feel them again! And again! IN HELL!" He cackled, startling the rest of the room.

"Okay, um, Team Kakashi, go save Gaara."

"But why?" Kakashi asked, who had not been paying attention to the world. "Did something happen to him?"

"Come along, sensei!" Tilly cried, dragging Kakashi along by the ear. "You can read your pr0n along the way! And Naruto, pick up Sakura and carry her!" She indicated to Sakura, who was lying on the floor, having fainted.

"She does that." Naruto muttered, before picking the pink haired one up, and walking out of the room, suspiciously calmly.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

By the time Nat, Sasori and Deidara had walked for a few minutes, Kankurou had caught up to them and was preparing to fight. Sasori was in an extremely bad mood due to Deidara's tardiness and Nat's increased sarcasm; so much so that Sasori left Nat to deal with Kankurou; an easy feat for her. She lifted up her hand quietly, and her force waves blew Kankurou's puppets to different spaces in the sand. Kankurou, being distracted by that, got stung by Sasori's tail and soon after collapsed. The Akatsuki trio continued on their way and no more disturbance followed them. Yet.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo –Sand

Ro jumped out of her apartment window to 'greet' the medical ninjas who were carrying Kankurou to the operation wing.

There was a moment's silence before Ro bellowed, "THERE IS NO HOOOOOPE! HE WILL DIE! AND GAARA WILL DIE TOO! Wait, what am I saying…?"

Ro accompanied them to the operation wing and soon afterwards, was sent to wake up Chiyo and the other old man which we can't remember the name of. Ebizou. Yeah.

Everyone's not so favourite Sand nin ran into the cavern in which the two old people say, yelling unrecognizable phrases. Well, save a few words, including 'Sasori', 'sexy', 'lol alliteration' 'Armageddon', 'death' and 'pain'. Needless to say, it didn't take much more than 'Sasori' to get Chiyo leaping up and down, panicking. The Ebizou type did the same.

"…AndyoumustcomesaveKankurou! But you can't, anyway!" Ro finished off her rant, taking in deep, shaky breaths in a vain attempt to regain the colossal amounts of hair she had expelled in her tirade. "TO THE HO'PITAL WING!" She cried, dragging the 'poor old granny' with her, cackling.

OOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Yet again, Orochimaru found his three prodigies standing in front of him, fidgeting slightly. "So you're telling me … you want to go to Sand to chase after Akatsuki?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"… Do you have any idea of the… preparations that something of this scale with require, should you want backup, or…?"

"Just us three, if that's alright." Sasuke replied, intent flashing in his eyes in that way that it seems to. Clood nodded along with Nagi, both taking confident stances.

"I trust you won't attempt to go after the entire Akatsuki?"

Clood retorted. "Oh, no, just Itachi and his partner. If signs show of a showdown against all of them, we'll instantly retreat and return here." She paused. "With maybe a few stops off at a whore house or something."

This seemed to please Orochimaru, as he had not heard the last sentence. Who knows, maybe if he had heard it, he wouldn't have let them go on their suicide-but-not-quite-suicide mission. But the point here, is that he did. "… Alright. But…"

Nagi blinked. "ALRIGHT!"

"But."

"… mmm?"

"Be careful. Please. I know what you're like. All three of you."

"AW! SENSEI'S WORRIED ABOUT HIS ICKLE STUDENTS! Comhere, sensei, give me a hug!" Clood advanced upon Orochimaru, arms outstretched, a malicious smile on her face. She found a book in her face before she could get too close, though.

"...Say, any objections to me coming along?"

Nagi blinked. "But, sir, you're the Otokage. You can't just leave the village. Who would take care of all the administrative duties?"

"Kabuto is more than capable."

Sasuke took his turn to argue. "But the Akatsuki are after you…"

"They're more bothered with the known Jinchuuriki."

Clood should have argued, but she didn't. "COME, PLEASE! Keep an eye on us! Make sure we don't do anything stupid! Don't let nasty people kill us!"

"Goddammit, Clood…"

Orochimaru stood up, entirely triumphant. "Someone fetch Kabuto. … Don't tell him why, just say he has to stay in this room and not move, and do all my jobs for me."

"YESSIR!"

And there was much anticipating-like-music.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Kakashi, Tilly, Naruto and Sakura faced out of Konoha, determination sparkling in their faces.

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes, Tilly?"

"I love you…"

* * *

**END.**

**What will our heroes do? Will they be able to face up to the evil Akatsuki? Will they even make it to Sand before turning back from boredom? Will they stop off at whore houses? Will Kabuto get a girlfriend?**

… **Probably not 8D**

**Oh yeah, nekked Sasuke in the _next _chapter. Honest. We're not lying.**

**R, R, AND STUFF! Pleeeease...**

**GOGO TYPISTS! MOOHAA!**


	3. Fanboys, fangirls, and Naruto too

**-dances merrily- **

**Behawld! Chapter three! **

OF DOOOOM. –swishy noises-

**Love to all you review people, including… uh… Keimei person… And Rockleefan… **

**And… Kitsune type. **

**Yeah. We love you.**

**Clood's fingers are still immobilized, by the way. Send her **_**moar **_**love! NOW!

* * *

**

"Kakashi-sensei…"

"Yes?"

"I love you…"

"She _what now?_" Naruto exclaimed, having been out of the loop for the timeskip.

"I love you too, Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura added happily.

"And I love you too, Tilly." Tilly had managed to henge into Kakashi, and was acting out his 'part' for him.

"Stop that. It's creepy." Kakashi said, backing away slowly.

"Oh no, wait till I get to the bit where there's a shadow clone of me and a henge of you, and then they…"

"EH?" Naruto butted in again, in that screechy little girl way, and was accompanied by several stares from Kakashi and Sakura directed at Tilly.

"Fine, if you all think the Konoha gate is _such _an inappropriate place to do this I'll just wait till later. Sheesh."

Tsunade appeared behind them. "JUST GO ALREADY!"

"You're the boss…"

"Yes, that I am. Oh look, it's Jiraiya!" Tsunade pointed out helpfully.

"WHERE'S MY BRICK?" Tilly proclaimed, starting to tear through her backpack, pulling out several copies of the new Icha Icha books in the process.

Kakashi blinked. "You carry bricks in your backpack?" He paused. "… Are you even meant to have so many copies of an unreleased book? For adults."

Jiraiya giggled. Yes, giggled. "It's released today! Worldwide!"

Sakura groaned. "By worldwide, you mean Konoha, then."

"Oh, and all places where Sound ninjas have been sighted. I just want Orochimaru to read one. Any one. Make him know how powerful my writing is!" Jiraiya raised his arms triumphantly. "The Akatsuki, too! They will buy the books, and bow to my erotic writing might! And then, I shall _rule the world_!"

"With porn?" Naruto replied, glaring at his teacher.

"Yes. With porn."

"…How?"

"If I can make all world leaders go into a never ending orga—"

Tsunade slapped Jiraiya. "This is unsuitable for children! Go tell Genma! We don't want to hear it! And you lot!" She pointed at Team Kakashi. "Go already!"

Jiraiya paused. "Oh, Naruto, don't use _that power_. It gives you cooties."

"It does? _SERIOUSLY_?" Naruto flailed, and started running around, tearing at his stomach. "GO AWAY! Leave me, cootie animal!"

"Go or I'll punch you into the ground." Tsunade stated, eyes fixed on the ground, unable to bear the sight of Naruto's bare naked stomach.

Tilly jumped on Kakashi's back. "Away! To Suna! And to friends or foes!" And she rode him far off to the horizon, where Kakashi promptly dumped her, having had enough of her kicks and 'giddy up, horsie!'.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Deidara, get off my back." Sasori muttered.

"Sorry, yeah."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Hey, a bookstore!" Nagi declared, pointing at a shabby, wayward building.

"How can you tell?" Clood replied.

"It says 'bookstore' on it." Sasuke observed, before walking towards it, with the intent of buying a map.

"Hey, look, there's a new Icha Icha series, mommy!" Decreed a passing child, tapping the glass of the store, eyes alight with merriment.

His mother nearly screamed. "Avert ye eyes, child!"

"Now, why does that sound like something I should read?" Clood muttered, following Sasuke into the store. Orochimaru shrugged, and did the same, also with the intent of buying smart people books. Nagi was left alone outside, before he finally realised where everyone went, and thus he ran into the building. There, the four of them discovered something that would shake the very foundations of the earth.

Orochimaru shook slightly, eyes fixated on the cover of 'Icha Icha staying-with-an-evil-guy' "I'm… Going… to… kill… Jiraiya…"

"Hey, who's _that_?" Nagi asked pointing at said evil book, before he worked it out. "Oh… Hey, Clood's on the cover of a porn boo—" Then, his eyes found 'Icha Icha Traitor'. He screamed. "THAT MEANS NAT'S WITH ANOTHER MAN! Cruel, cruel world!"

Sasuke picked up a copy of 'Icha Icha Tactics'. "Jesus, I can believe that's actually her posing." His eyes flicked to the foaming at the mouth Clood. "I suppose that isn't the real you on that cover, is it?"

"I just don't know anymore." She replied, eyes fixed on the ground. She then found Orochimaru standing directly behind her.

"If that's the real you, I assure you that you will feel pains greater than _any _you have ever felt before. You shall be bedridden for weeks, without a bed to even sleep on. You shall be cast out into the frigid, harsh world, without a penny, no one to care for you, chakra seals in place, to be eternally looked down upon by the rest of the world. And you know who the rest of the world includes?"

"…No…"

"Kabuto."

Clood shrieked a blood curdling shriek, terrifying the shop keeper out of his mind. He replied back in a frantic tone. "Take all the books you want and leave! Just don't touch me you freaks!"

By this point, Clood was convulsing upon the ground. "Kabuto… my superior… Never…"

Sasuke closed his eyes in an intellectual way. "Sensei, I can assure you that we will get revenge on Jiraiya for this… _mistake_." He pocketed 'Icha Icha Tactics', much to the horror of the rest of his team.

"Seriously, dude." Nagi blinked.

"It's for educational purposes solely. It's not like I want to read about Tilly having sex." Sasuke said, looking as shifty as someone who's just pocketed a porn book does.

Orochimaru sighed. "Looks like I'm going to have to research the full extent of Jiraiya's horrors. Yeah, research." He picked up a copy of each Icha Icha, pausing slightly over Ro's. "Whatever happened to her, anyway?"

"She betrayed us, sir. Three years ago."

"Oh? … I didn't notice. One more person to rain down unholy vengeance upon I guess."

Nagi also sighed. "Well, I'm just gonna need a copy of each. You know, 'educational research'." He paused. "Ha, as if. Nah, I'm just reading them for the porn."

"He's broken the circle of trust." Sasuke stated simply.

"Go stand outside in the cold, Nagi." Clood and Orochimaru stated simultaneously, obviously on the same simply wavelength: 'cause pain to Nagi'.

"Do I have to?"

"Do you still want to read the books for the porn?"

"…Aw, fine, just for 'educational research'."

Orochimaru nodded in approval. "All good. Take as many books as you want."

"I might as well take one, then." Clood picked up a copy of each, as well. "I just hope my love interest in this is sensei." She flicked open the book, and skimmed over a few pages, eyes widening at the various illustrated pages. "Wow. Sasuke, you might not want to read this." Her breath caught in her throat. "You either, Nagi--- … Woah, sensei? Just… don't look at it. Seriously."

Orochimaru's curiosity was sparked. "Oh?" He, too, flicked to the same page as Clood. Upon seeing the atrocities on the page, he dropped the book, fingers twitching. He coughed. "I'll be sure to skip that bit when reading it, then."

"…Yeah. Skip…" Sasuke muttered, before the four of them nodded, quickly ran over to the map section, stole a few 'accurate' representations of the route to Suna, and ran out of the shop, leaving the other men in the shop to crowd around the Icha Icha releases at will, forming a horde of perverted types around the erotic books, pushing and scratching each other for the chance to pick up the holy series.

"Hey, that girl on the cover… Wasn't she just in here a few minutes ago?"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Safe to say, Tilly had never been so popular with the rest of the masculine world. Quite literally, people were tearing at her travelling companions, trying to remove them, so that they could obtain the chance to touch the Icha Icha heroine. Naruto had been dragged off somewhere into a crowd, Kakashi was reading from the book as if it were a bible, appealing to the masses, Sakura was fighting of several men at once, as they lunged at her friend.

"… _and then, Tilly reached for her teacher's zipper…_" Kakashi stated in a monotonous voice, one arm raised in triumph.

Naruto shrieked from amongst a crowd of hormonal men, several groins pushing into his face as he attempted to stand up. Sakura had been reduced to the same state as Naruto, and was yelling at all around her, drowned out by the noise of the mob, and Kakashi's preaching.

"… _It was sexy._"

"Ahem." Tilly motioned at the crowd of frantic males and one or two females. "Hi." Cheers erupted from the crowd.

"The holy one! She speaks!"

"Shhh, quiet…"

"…_She leant over seductively. 'Oh sensei'…"_

"All in an orderly queue. Now, who wants to touch me?"

There was another cheer, as the men frantically got in line, Naruto standing somewhere in the middle. Kakashi was at the front of the line, decreeing whether the candidates were 'good enough' to touch his student.

"No. You're fat. Lose some weight first, then call this number." Kakashi handed a piece of paper to the disgruntled fat man.

"Yes, sir! I shall! Truly!" He started to jog off, determined to shed off his flab. However, he collapsed after about twenty steps, unable to move, moaning in a rather _un_seductive manner.

This was when Temari cleared her throat to the side of the line, her fan raised.

"Oh, Temari! Do you want to touch me, too? I didn't know you were an Icha Icha fan! But, you're my friend, so," Tilly waved her hand in an aloof fashion, "I won't charge you for it."

Temari blinked, before bringing her fan down in front of her, blowing all the men away in one foul swoop. Unfortunately, this included Naruto, who no one had really noticed until this point. This move also uncovered Sakura, who had been crouching under a bush, shaking in fear.

"Now that that's cleared up…" Temari stated, striding over to Tilly. "You're headed to Sand, aren't you?"

"To find your kidnapped and probably dead brother, yes." Kakashi stated dryly, very unhappy that his fun had been spoilt.

Temari gasped. "Surely no!"

And thus, Tilly, Kakashi, Temari and Sakura ran off, leaving Naruto and his fellow fanboys behind. Or… were they really lagging?

Alack, no. By this point, Naruto was chasing fiercely after his companions, the mob running behind him, the fat ones dropping off as they ran out of stamina, the more lithe ones keeping up with the young Jinchuuriki.

"Run, they're coming!" Sakura screeched to her friends as they darted through the trees, fleeing from the terrible throng of males, headed by Naruto, who was, really, running from them too.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Elsewhere, Nat, Deidara and Sasori, were also running from fanboys.

No, sorry, killing them.

"Nat, what is the meaning of this?" Sasori cried, impaling several wayward men on his tail.

"I don't know! They keep coming! No matter how hard you hit them, they just keep coming! It's like they're immortals! Cockroaches! Immortal cockroaches!"

"It's like dealing with a throng of Orochimarus on crack…" Sasori muttered, pulling his tail out of the poor, poor, mangled men.

Deidara screeched to the left of the pair. "They've stolen Gaara!"

Indeed, the men had stolen Gaara, in an attempt to make the Akatsuki members hand over Nat.

"Give us the girl, or your whore gets it!" The leader, or so he seemed to be, declared, pointing at Deidara.

"Give him the girl, Deidara!" Sasori cried.

"Oh, yeah, give him the girl, Nat, yeah!" Nat's eyes widened. "Oh, wait, yeah. Bye, Nat!" He cried, before shoving the poor, poor cynic into the crowd, as Gaara was thrown at them.

Nat had never been so unhappy. So, she killed them all, effectively wiping out a large portion of her fanbase in one terrible strike.

"… Let's go. Their leader is among the dead, so they'll need some time to regroup." Nat sighed, before glaring at her 'escort'. "Never, ever do that to me again."

Deidara sniggered in response.

oOoOoOoOoOoOOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Sensei, are we at Suna yet?"

"No, Nagi."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ro pointed at Kankurou, her eyes alight with joy. "He's going to _die_! And it's _funny_! My god, this is the funniest thing that's happened in the past two years!"

The medics shot her alarmed glances. "Oh really?"

"Ya. Really."

Chiyo jumped up and down, also excited by the prospect of a boy dying at her hands. It seems that all Ro's visits to her had altered her ideals slightly. Just slightly.

"Um, Chiyo-sama, aren't you able to save him?" One of the medics inquired in a meek tone.

"No. Don't ever ask such foolish questions! Again!"

Both Ro and the elderly woman broke out into fits of maniac cackles, both adopting the same stance.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo – Two fanboy running from filled days later.

"Finally, Suna! 'Tis in sight over many a dune, shrouded in a sandy mist! Shall we reach it? Or shall we DIE first!?" Naruto cried, waving his body parts, namely limbs, around, as he lay on the floor, exhausted.

"I'd rather… we live…" Tilly groaned, also lying on the floor.

"Can't go on…" Sakura moaned.

"Move it lazies." Kakashi said calmly, still reading from Icha Icha Tactics in his classic _I'm-a-teacher-reading-porn_ stance.

Temari remained silent.

Zooming out from the five, one can find the horde of fans lying several meters behind them, unconscious. Or, the ones that aren't dead, are, anyway.

* * *

**_AN_**

**ZED OH EM EFF GEE.**

**We cheated you out of a naked Sasuke again!**

**Next chapter, I promise!**

**Honestly!**

**We sweeeeeear!**

**Love to all reviewers, yo. Please...review? 8D**


	4. Who's that there in the bushes?

**There was much jubilation when we commenced this chapter.**

**But not really, because the evil school IT man made us be quiet when we started to cheer.**

**Silly school IT man.**

**Also, KEMEI, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!**

**Really! My fingers love you, too! And, and… Oro loves you a lot. Well, we don't **_**really **_**know about him, but, hey. No one knows about **_**him.**_

_**AND ZED OH EM EFF GEE CHRISTOPHER LEE R COME TO LONDON EXPO. –IMPLODEIMPLODE-**_

_**WE LOVE CHRISTOPHER LEE 8D

* * *

**_

"Sensei, are we at Suna yet?"

"For the fiftieth time, Nagi, no. We are _not at Suna_."

"… Are we nearly at Suna?"

"No!"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Three figures stumbled back into the Akatsuki hideout, bits of twigs poking out of their hair, breathing heavily. Clothes were ripped, trusts were shattered. Well, Nat's trust was shattered at any rate.

Sasori was feeling pretty pleased with himself, having nearly sold off Nat to the fourth mob of fanboys, but being thwarted last minute by some woman coming in and boxing his puppet ears for being so vile. Needless to say, he killed her, but her sense of justice prevailed, and that particular throng had thus stopped pursuing the three Akatsuki.

Itachi's hologram coughed. Kisame also coughed.

The Leader coughed louder, and pulled a copy of 'Icha Icha Traitor' out of his pocket. "Explain."

"Oh shit."

Nat had a feeling that she'd just lost all her dignity.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"TILLY!"

"Ro?"

"TILLY!"

"Holy shit, Ro!"

"TILLY!"

"No, Ro, don't hurt me!"

"TILLLLLYYYYY!"

"I'm going to be---" Tilly stopped moving.

Naruto screamed. "Zed oh em eff geeeee!"

Sakura also screamed. "OHNOES!"

Kakashi didn't scream, but he was rather concerned. "Who shall save the heroine of Icha Icha Tactics now?"

"It could be you, sensei…" Naruto muttered, shoving Kakashi forward. Ro looked up at Kakashi, from her position atop Tilly on the ground.

"Hi."

"Um, do you mind getting off my student?"

"Yes, quite a lot actually." Ro replied, blinking stupidly. "She's in just the right position, so it's really quite comfortable. For me."

Tilly started moving again, and raised an arm shakily. "Erk… I'm so popular…"

"Like me! Y'know, I had five whole fanboys after me on the way here! The rest were like 'ho shit that girl', coz, really, I think everyone's too scared to read 'Icha Icha Hotel'. The other 'Icha Icha's were totally awesome. Reading Clood and Oro---"

"SPEAK NOT ANOTHER WORD!" Naruto cried, wringing his blanket nervously. Yes, he has a blanket. For his nervous problems. It's not easy being a jinchuuriki.

"No, Ro. Go on." Kakashi stated, having not read 'Icha Icha Staying-With-An-Evil-Guy'.

"Oh, I would but, I don't want to spoil the—"

"Isn't Kankurou _dying_?!" Temari spluttered, waving her arms frantically, face red from flustery…ness.

"What? OH, yeah. Chiyo's laughing at him riiight now."

"Go Sakura! Do your thing! Prove your womanly touch!" Tilly frantically motioned from beneath the Ro.

"Aww, why did you tell her?" Ro muttered, giving Tilly a rather sharp poke in the back of the neck.

"I do what must be done. Eeeesh, my neck…"

"Wonder how Clood and Nat are doing?"

"Eh, I get random reports from Clood sometimes… You don't. You killed her friends. I got a rather angry letter from her saying this. It included about a paragraph of 'KillRoKillRoKillRo's, followed by a quite horrific doodle of you getting your head lopped off by a machete, wielded by a six year old. I think Oro might be influencing her violent tendencies a little bit…"

"Should I avoid her then?" Ro asked.

"Do you _want _your head lopped off by a six year old wielding a machete?"

"Well…"

"No. You don't."

oOoOoOoOoO … Oink. Oink. Oink.

"_Sasuke… why are you looking at me like that? What did I do wrong?"_

"_Everything…"_

"_But, Sasuke, I…"_

Sasuke coughed as his eyes skim read Icha Icha Tactics for the fourth time.

"_Don't… Say anything. Please."_

The poor boy actually felt himself lean forward just to be closer to the book and it's illustrations, and wonderful dramas.

_Tilly found herself pinned against the wall, taking in soft breaths as she felt Sasuke lean into her. She reached dow—_

"HI SASUKE!" Clood cried, leaning over his shoulder, eyes also skim reading Icha Icha Tactics. "Oh, wow. Kakashi might be fairly uncomfortable when he gets to that bit."

"Has sensei come out of his room yet?"

"No… I think he's a bit traumatized from the whole SWAEG experience."

Sasuke promptly shut the book, attempting to divert attention from the fact that he was about to read porn about himself and a girl he really didn't like very much.

"Swaeg? Staying with an evil guy?"

"Yeah. I heard several muffled sobs from his room. Well, I _think _they were sobs."

"They were sobs, Clood. He doesn't take too well to reading porn about himself."

"Unlike you, then."

"Yeah, unl—"

"Ha ha hahaha. LOL. HA! AMUSEMENT! HAHA! IN YOUR FACE! Teeheehee! You suck! Owned at the speed of light! Utterly! Was that _really _a mistake of speech, or is it unveiling… deeper feelings for dear Tilly? Are you really sexually retarded, or are you just generally stupid?"

"Go away. Now, and leave me to my…" Sasuke glanced at Icha Icha Tactics. "Studies."

Clood looked very unhappy. "Oh… Well, I'll be back to see you later. Make sure to read Icha Icha Staying with an Evil Guy, you'll never look at sensei the same way again!" She smiled evilly. "Nor yourself."

Sasuke found himself choking on his own saliva.

"Baii! I'm off to pester Nagi! And sensei, if I can break down that chakra ward on his door, and attack him in his bedroom. He'll love that. Hey, that's strangely reminiscent of the… Thing where you busted down Oro's door to…" She trailed off, leaving a rather sombre note in the air. Sasuke blinked in response. "Nevermind, don't go busting down any doors! It might just save… someone's life."

"…Yeah, go away and leave me to my porn. Go explore the rest of the inn or something…"

"Righto!"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOOOoOo

Nat looked to the floor, as the Leader ranted on.

"…And do you have _any _idea of the shame this book has brought to the name Akatsuki? Itachi and Kisame were jibed in their last battle about being part of an organization of _whores. _You've killed our reputation, and our dignity. Apparently, I'm a 'pimp master', and everyone here is my 'whore'. Including you! Can you explain this … this… horrible thing? This…filth of a porn book? Nat! Are you even listening to me?!"

"Sorry, sir…"

"Furthermore, … Most of the sex positions in this aren't even _possible, _was the guy on _crack _when he wrote this? And what the hell was that line about Orochimaru leaving because he was sick of being raped every night? Do you even _understand_ what this book has done to the organization? Do you realise the shame which Itachi is portrayed with? He had… relationships with his _brother. _And Orochimaru. _At the same time."_

Nat's eyes widened. "Holy fuck." '_That sounds like the stuff of Clood's dreams…'_

"_Akatsuki is described as one massive group…Orgasm." _

Nat's eyes widened further. "… Holy fucking fuck."

"Deidara uses those mouths of his… to… do bad things!"

Deidara screamed. Nat did, too.

Itachi at this point was refusing to look anywhere than the floor.

"… Jesus, sir, I didn't have any hand in it. It was Jiraiya! I swear!"

Kisame swung his rather obese sword down from his back, and waved it threateningly at Nat. "It's not funny girl. Admit to it, and we won't punish you so severely."

Nat choked. "N-n-now, look…" Her eyes caught the front cover of the Icha Icha book, and a sudden light of inspiration entered her eyes. "Wait… the me on the front of that book… has short hair. I had short hair two and a half years ago. Now my hair is long. Thus, that is _not _me, just an inaccurate henge!"

There was a joint 'ohhh' from all members, as they all relaxed a little, lowering weapons and returning to a normal stance instead of their tense battle forms.

"… Then… The _real _one who must be punished is Jiraiya!" Kisame started, raising his sword yet again.

"DEATH TO THE PORN AUTHOR!"

"DEATH!"

"DEATH!"

Nat agreed wholeheartedly. "Death."

Jiraiya was condemned from _all _angles.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jiraiya sneezed as his pen paused over the new Icha Icha manuscript.

He could swear that he heard the wind scream 'death' many times over.

"… Oh well."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOOoOo

The Konoha group stood over Kankurou, prodding him slightly with their various affects. Kakashi was still grappling with Chiyo in the background, attempting to bash her over the head to knock her out. He eventually succeeded, silencing the old woman.

"I _think _it's still moving…"

Kankurou began to mutter in his sleep. "No… Gaara… Not the… No… Temari… No anal combustion… today… Narf."

"Narf? I mean… the other stuff I completely understand but… 'narf'?" Tilly blinked.

"I told him about Pinky and the Brain. NARF!" Ro replied, highly amused by her work.

Kakashi just stood there, reading porn and calming down after knocking out an old granny. Sakura sat down in a corner, breathing heavily, having just done the most taxing thing since she had to brush her sensei's hair. Naruto was playing ping pong with Temari on Kankurou's stomach.

"Oh, hey, don't we need to pursue the Akatsuki?"

"Fine, but, … rest first." Kakashi stated, eyes not moving from the porn. "I don't want to go kill people today. I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood to do anything butread porn." Naruto replied, stopping in the middle of a serve.

"That's not true. I…I…I'm often in the mood for… sex."

"Which is very similar to porn."

"No, it isn't. Sex is _sharing_ the pleasure. Reading porn is keeping it all to yourself! Unless you're Naruto. And, well, Icha Icha contains many great, literary feats. In this one, we've got Sasuke's brother doing very bad things to his younger sibling."

The rest of the room stared at Kakashi, except for Tilly, who 'yay'ed.

"I read that bit! It's good, yeah? … Ha. I read faster than you."

"What, no, I've read it already. I'm rereading."

"Damn you to hell."

Kakashi turned around, eyes still fixed on the porn, and walked slowly up to his room.

Tilly glared at his back, pulled out a copy of 'Icha Icha Tactics' and began to recite from it. She'd also bunshin-ed, and henged one of her into Kakashi.

'"_Sensei… it's not that… I can't help myself! I can't!"_

"_Tilly… This isn't right. You're… so young. I'm … so old… But then again…"_

"_You have more experience, right? That can only make things better." _

_Kakashi's breath hitched, for what seemed to be the fortieth time that day._

"_All the better to…" He started, moving towards his student, hand outstretched, aimed solely at Tilly's---_

"Look, will you stop doing that? It's _creepy_!"

"More creepy than reading porn in front of underaged students?"

"Yes, in fact."

He had a point, seeing as all his 'underaged' students were sitting at Tilly's feet, wanting her to continue, obviously having gotten used to all forms of horrible creepiness.

"Actually, it just hit me…" Tilly started. "What _is _the legal sex age here, anyway?"

Kakashi's eyes still observed the wonderful porn illustrations. "Uh… 15, I think…"

"OH YES! I'm a year and a half over the limit! In your face, Naruto, you barely make it! I pass blatantly! I can go and have sex with anyone I want! Anyone!" Tilly began to do a little dance on the spot. "Sensei! Come to my room later!"

"No."

"Awww, but…" Tilly had disappeared and reappeared at Kakashi's side, and was now clinging to his arm, speaking in a slow and sultry manner. "But… sensei… Why?"

"Go _away_!"

Much hitting and dog summoning later, the general group retired to their separate rooms, complaining as they went about how disappointing the day's lack of killing had been. Chiyo's unconscious form was left on the floor in the medical room, next to Kankurou's twitching body.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Sasuke sighed as he reclined in the warm water, completely nekked.

(See!? We told you he'd be in here!)

That's all you get!

Oh, fine.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ahem. Sasuke sighed as he reclined in the warm water, completely nekked. He had two Icha Icha books propped up in front of him on the side of the rather small hot spring, as he attempted to read from both. At the same time.

He was finding this rather difficult, but somehow he was managing with his sharingan. One could get the impression this is _not _what the Uchiha elders intended their super eyes to be used for. But, it worked all the same.

He had dumped his team mates and his still not speaking sensei back at the village, thoroughly fed up with their consistent interrupting of his porn reading.

"Oh, my… God."

You don't want to know what was going on, really.

Just, think, a teenage boy, two porn books, totally alone, happy fun time.

At least, he _thought _he was alone. Oh please, you thought we'd actually leave him alone?

"SASUKE! STOP DOING BAD THINGS AND GET OUT OF THAT WATER!"

Sasuke expected that to be Clood and quickly moved his hands to cover his special bits, but no, that was his male teammate, quite happily observing him from the doorway.

"Go away… Please…"

"I'll get Clood to drag you out. I don't think she'd be too happy to find you doing that…"

There was a feminine voice from the side. "No, I wouldn't mind!"

"She might even go tell her Tilly friend!"

Sasuke choked on his saliva again. It all came back to him. The weeks of terrible teasing under Tilly's iron fisted regime, the pies… The ignoring… the 'genital warts' rumour… The lack of Kakashi's training. In favour of _her._"Oh, god, NO! Please, Nagi, don't let Tilly know!" All Nagi could do was chuckle.

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER.**

**Chappyter end! Reviewz plox 8D**

**We'll get around to the real plot soon, we promise x3**


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